Love Letter to Life

The worst day became the best day, from thinking, “I’m gonna die” to “I’m stayin’ alive”.

Life has the final say.

Love Letter to Life began, and continues, as a daily writing and painting practice of gratitude after having near-death experience in 2018 that left my health and life compromised.

Each morning, I wrote and posted an online letter with an image from my artwork, letting friends know how I was doing, what was happening, and how grateful I was to be alive.

Then a year later, on January 14^th, 2020 at 2:30pm, I was diagnosed with cancer: Stage 4 Aggressive Large Cell between my heart and lungs and Slow B-Cell Lymphoma in my torso.

My bones were hollow and not making red and white blood cells fast enough for living.

I went home from the Cancer Center feeling numb and thinking, “Chemo is not for me”.

But that evening, at 10:00pm, I received an extraordinary email:

“Hi Pamela, I found your website on Ancestry.com. Your profile came up as a Parent/Child match. I reside in Connecticut and am adopted, so I wonder if you might be my mother. You can check out my profile on Ancestry. Please let me know either way if you would like to learn more as I’d be happy to connect with you. Yours truly, Tracy”

I opened the link to Ancestry.com and on that website saw a photo of a radiant, smiling face that looked like a mini-me.

The baby girl I released for adoption 51 years earlier, when I was fifteen years old, found me via our DNA match and emailed on the very day I was diagnosed with life-threatening cancer.

The worst day became the best day in a matter of minutes with Tracy’s timely and miraculous arrival, switching my perspective from, “I’m gonna die” to “I’m staying alive”.

My ferocious mother-love kicked in, giving the energy, hope, and courage needed to go through ass-kicking chemo and going bald: I lost all of my “signature”, beautiful long hair in two weeks.

In 2020, an unprecedented global pandemic, Covid-19, spread with catastrophic speed and death-tolls, taking the life of my closest male friend.

Covid-19 sent everyone, everywhere into quarantine except for front-line workers.

No cure. No commerce. No travel. No visits. No help going to chemo. No life as we knew it.

There was no slacking off for me and my daily have to’s: multiple doctor visits, hospital procedures, chemo treatments, medications, physical therapy and making healthy meals that were difficult to eat because all food and beverages tasted like metal.

February through May 2020, I received six R-CHOP chemotherapy treatments and in June 2020, a PetScan came back cancer-free. This was cause for celebration but due to the Pandemic, there could be no travel to see family and meet Tracy because quarantine was still required.

Blood counts continued to be low and in March 2021, another PetScan and bone biopsy revealed the lymphoma was back in new places.

I was told on April 1st, Stem Cell Replacement Therapy was recommended but not available in Santa Fe, NM. I would have to go to Colorado or Texas.

My only desire on April 1st was to meet my daughter, Tracy, who had been communicating with me for 14 months.

My oncologist said, “Go tomorrow” so April 2nd, I boarded a plane for Connecticut and on April 3rd, Tracy walked into my open arms.

We had a week of “visits”, time to hang out, be with family, talk, laugh, cry, and be together.

April 14th – September 10th 2021, consisted of undergoing Chemotherapy in Christus Hospital, Santa Fe, NM, for two months while plans were made to move to Denver, CO for the summer to be hospitalized at St. Luke’s Presbyterian then live in a hotel while having out-patient care with the Colorado Cancer and Blood Institute.

Stem Cell Replacement Therapy was like having an atomic bomb set off in my body: explosive, brutal, 100% fatigue and crippling side effects.

The PetScan in November revealed the Lymphoma cancer cells were still in my body.

There were a few options: T Cell Replacement Treatment in Denver, CO, the possibility of being in an Immunotherapy Clinical Trial in Santa Fe, NM, or doing nothing which meant a 2 – 6 month window in which my body would be overtaken my cancer.

I didn’t want to undergo the toxic levels required of T Cell treatment so on January 3rd 2022, I became the first patient in the world to begin Phase Two of the Immunotherapy clinical trial.

In March 2022, the first PetScan results since trial treatments began were promising: 60% of cancer cells gone and no new growth.

It was a two-year trail so the beginning looked good however by the end of the year, it became apparent that the immunotherapy was not working.

January 2023, began with a new treatment of infusions and oral chemo drugs but was interrupted by the detection of Cervical cancer.

I had a radical hysterectomy in February: successful.

The new Lymphoma treatment was modified due to my body beginning to reject chemotherapy.

September of 2024, I saw a promising PetScan, requested a break from infusions, and began to take an oral medication with no side effects.

My body is naturally regulating and rejuvenating while my vitality and energy grow.

Throughout the past 5 years, I continued to write a daily letter of gratitude posted on Social Media, thanking Life for sending in an army of love and support in all sizes, shapes, and surprises.

Some of these letters have their share of moaning and groaning with tears and fears, and on those days, my family and friends sent me bigger love.

The Love Letter to Life helps my feet keep moving, my heart keep loving, my life keep living, one breath at a time, one step at a time, one day at a time.

The result: I am healthy, hopeful, and strong, in spite of the odds, the “1% of the 1%”.

The gifts: I am living in the moment and loving life with gratitude.

Love Letter to Life is my Big Thank You to Life with an inspirational message.

Have hope no matter what the circumstances, miracles happen, worst day, best day,

Lean into Love.

I am an artist and writer living with cancer in the foothills of Santa Fe, NM. My daughter, Tracy, lives on the coastline of CT. We have a loving and growing relationship after 51 years of separation, getting to know one another via Zoom, phone calls, social media and in-person visits.

Life has the final say.

January 2025 © Pamela Markoya

Excerpt from Julia Cameron’s book,
THE LISTENING PATH: The Creative Art of Attention, 2021
Interview with Pamela Markoya, Week Three: Listening to Our Higher Self

Julia Cameron “I pick up the phone and call Pamela Markoya, a Santa Fe artist I have known for several years. I know that she approaches her art through listening, and I ask her to lunch. I believe that she actively listens to her higher self in the process of creation, and when we meet up later at a Japanese restaurant, she confirms my belief…”

Pamela Markoya “My practice is to sit, breathe, and listen,” she starts off. “My writing is an art form meant to be shared. I write love letters to my beloved, with the knowledge that they will be read. Literally, for writing, I put the ink pen to the page and listen to hear the words ­and write what I hear. It is as though my listening ear is connected to the ink. I could be surprised, and often am, at what’s written.” Pamela sips at her tea and gathers her thoughts. She continues. “I stop writing when I don’t hear anything. The voice unfolds one word after another, distinctively. It has intonation, lyricism and color. Often there’s humor, and I really ‘hear’ the letters coming through with humor and levity. “

“When I paint”, she says, “I breathe and clear everything. Although it is a visual art and informed by what I see, I listen to the brush, and there’s a very clear direction. In the process of mark-making, I rarely change anything. The mark-making is a language I listen to.”

Download Pamela Markoya’s Resume PDF

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