The Shape-Making of an Autonomous Woman

By Pamela Markoya

 

1       THE INK RUNNETH OUT               11 MAR 2009

Two pens for drawing ran out of ink. It happens.

Need a drawing pen.

Look in drawer in bedside table.

Maybe it’s time to search once more for the “perfect pen”.

I go on this mission at least once a year.

See what’s new in the pen marketplace.

Time to make the rounds…Ah, there they are across the page…the rounds (in a drawing).

Amusing myself. That’s a good sign. Humor.

Beginning to DRAW OUT MY SELF after a winter of hibernation.

Spring is awakening the earth, the trees, the plants and grasses, the animals and me.

Last Sunday the clock went ahead an hour…SPRING FORWARD.

Does the earth and planets and universe know that former President Bush made the: law” to have the clocks turned ahead earlier each year!

Mother Nature knows better.

LOOK TO NATURE. LOOK WITHIN. LOOK.

Breathe and be in this moment in God’s time.

Life is beating rthymatically within me.

Grace is offering me her assistance infinitely.

Open heart. Clear mind. Go with your heart.

 

2       ELEMENTAL FORCES                                    APRIL 2009

Let the fire transform; all (the) needs to change.

Let the air feed the fire and fuel the growth.

Let the water nourish the seeds of the future.

Let the earth stabilize what is present.

Nature provides me with inspiration; Soul connection; perfect beauty; stimulation.

What do I respond to at Hobby Lobby when I see the shelves of “objects” made of ceramics, wood, glass, metal…painted, glazed, sparkled, metalized.

I feel the desire to “make something” with them.

CURATING OBJECTS.

And then the “censor” comes in:

“Make what? Paint on them? Rearrange them? Done already. “

This is Yackity.

What can I do?

Ask to rearrange everything into an installation, photograph, then put back on shelves.

How obsessive is that! Very. Like consumerism.

MANMADE OBJECTS. MACHINEMADE OBJECTS. COMPUTER GENERATED OBJECTS.

Photos, images, drawings. Collaging.

What are my new dreams…my heart’s desire?

 

3       DRAGONFLY STORY                    MAY 2009

I walked into my studio and saw a beautiful Green Darner dragonfly hopelessly beating itself against French door pane of glass.

I walked over and opened the door, hoping it would fly out. But the dragonfly continued to throw itself against the glass.

I held out my hand and it sat on my palm but as I moved toward the open door, the dragonfly would fly back to the glass window.

After several attempts, I realized I had to cup my hands carefully around the delicate body with iridescent wings in order to move it outdoors.

Once outside, I opened my hands and the Dragonfly flew off to its freedom.

I stood there, and in that moment understood that I was being held and moved by Grace.

 

4       TEMPEST OF CHANGE                28 JULY 2009

A deep sigh…a breath, in and out; breathe in the day.

Streams of sunlight dance across the room and onto me.

Energy beams, I am a channel of love, light and creativity.

Breathe. And feel the currents moving through out.

Breathe. And know the Source this source of healing and creation.

Breathe. And be in the unfolding of my personal legacy.

Breathe. And look with eyes of imagination and magic.

Breathe. And hear with ears of wonderment and joy.

Breathe. And receive the love, beauty and good.

Breathe. And give my heart and mind to the Divine.

Breathe. And acknowledge the Grace in my life.

Grace holds me. Follow the elemental signs.

Who am I NOW as an artist?

Record the whispers.

No matter how gentle or soft or loud they speak

My Dear LC ELLA,

I am listening.

And paying attention.

 

5       THE STORM HAS PASSED           29 JULY 2009

For today. Quiet. Peace.

Sun peeking through the window from the east.

Where the Sangre de Cristo mountains protect the city of Santa Fe.

Gods. Goddesses. Angels. Saints. Spirit Awakening.

Shibas curled up and sleeping.

My body relaxing after a flood of tears…help is here.

Yes help is here and all around you.

Trust and live in faith.

And prayerful…prayer-filled actions.

Walked along the river today.

I hear the music.

Blessings move outward.

Spirit moves me across the miles…heavenly connection.

My own music, my own rhythm, my heart beating.

Collaged last night before going to sleep.

Completed the “end images” on several pieces…satisfying.

Today I’ll begin to look for a studio space.

A PLACE OF MY OWN.

Everywhere I am led, gather information.

And know I am being carried by Grace.

Saw three large ravens in the tree out back. MAGIC.

Sense the Magic within. And see the Magic around me!

 

6       THE TWINE OF MY LIFE                        30 JULY 2009

This is the twine of my life… strong, resilient, flexible.

Seeds of change…future life. Present flow. Presence.

This is the twine of my life…. creative, imaginative, magic.

Roots of timelessness… drawing up unlimited Source.

This is the twine of my life… abundant, generous, bold.

Sinews of Spirit… guiding, protecting and moving me.

This is the twine of my life…And I am grateful to see it.

Sun just streamed in thru window onto page, onto me, onto Shibas, and onto the day.

Light… I am a channel of love, light and creativity.

Thank You for all You have given me and all you have taken away and all that is to come.

Breathe into the middle of my body, my belly, my heart; into the middle of this change.

Breathe and know I am being carried by Grace.

IMAGINE ….. a world of love, peace, joy, harmony.

IMAGINE ….. a space of light, high ceilings, safe, white wall boards to hang many wonderful creations….VISIONS… VISIONING….ART.

IMAGINE ….. the wonderful table in this perfect space.

I will know. It will speak to me.

HOME…is my body.

 

7       BEING MOVED INTO THE FUTURE       31 JULY 2009

Trust. Grace is carrying me.

Trust Divine Order.

Be open.

Open Heart.

Clear Mind.

Direction will come.

Breathe. Take excellent care of myself, which does include the occasional pizza with friends and Lots of laughter.

Breathe. Eat well today. Exercise. Get a facial. Enjoy.

Breathe. Collage. Draw. Write. Look. Listen. Intuit. Record.

Tidal Wave of Consumerism… an idea for a project.

Write ideas and sit with them.

Angels are helping.

Trust this.

What is meant to manifest….will…in Divine Time, in Divine way.

Take small actions based on inner direction…

the clear evidence of Spirit’s hand.

 

8       THE TIDAL POOL                          02 AUGUST 2009

Rest in the tidal pool.

Go with the currents.

Let the waves wash you, gently.

Surrender.

Feel the currents pull.

Drift with them.

Rest in the tidal pool.

Go with it.

Deep streams of consciousness.

Deeper unconscious rivers, connecting all.

Rest in the tidal pool.

Let it be the movement.

Breathe underwater with my mystical gills.

Dive deeper to the treasures hidden there.

Rest in the tidal pool.

Where the sunlight reflects that

ALL IS ONE

ALL IS HERE

 

9       FROM THE NIGHT OF SLEEP               03 AUGUST 2009

From the night of sleep rises the Spirit.

Rested. Inspired. Rejuvenated. Inviting….

The day greets waves of energy with cool dawn and harmonious melodies.

Sunlight steams across the page…pen and hand are reflected and shadowed.

Lungs expand and contract with ease.

From the night of sleep rises the Spirit.

I am reading Barry Lopez, WINTER COUNT; a collection of short stories; He’s a brilliant writer; Inspired.

“With breathtaking skill and a few deft strokes, he produces painfully beautiful scenes. Combining the real with the wondrous, he offers us a pure vision of people alive to the immediacy and spiritual truth of nature.”

Get a roll of large white paper and glue sticks today.

Gather ideas.

See the evidence of Spirit in my life.

Small steps…a few deft strokes.

Create.

My Soul’s desire…my personal legacy.

Create and live.

 

10     FULL MOON ECLIPSE                  05 AUG 09

Winds of change stir the night

Moving clouds across a full moon eclipse

Peering through window panes

A space welcomes me within

Come here and see what lies ahead

In your future under the moon light

Eclipsing your life into the next phase

Phases of the moon

The seasons

The course moves

Move with it

 

11     PLANTING THE SEEDS                 06 AUGUST 2009

Planting the seeds of a new life

Watering them with tears

30 fold, 60 fold, 100 fold,

Spirit, please clearly guide me

I must remember

STAY OUT OF MY OWN WAY

Help me to be all that is intended

I am surrendering

Help me to plant seeds

 

12     IT’S AN ÉCLAIR NIGHT

Amazing sunset.

The kind of sunset that make visitors (to Santa Fe) want to move here.

Awesome.

Light was brighter and softer after sharing strength, hope and experience at the Life Healing Center.

Gratitude.

As I drove towards home, the voice within spoke very clearly,

“It’s an éclair night”

Swung car into Harry’s Roadhouse and got good parking spot,

“Thank you Angels”.

Walked right in and into a hug from Harry.

“I need an eclair”.

Harry led me up to the counter, sat me down and put the longed-for custard filled pastry with chocolate frosting right in front of me.

“Enjoy and it’s on the house”.

Another “first” alone

Sitting at the counter at Harry’s.

The sun gently set as the tears flowed.

 

13     THE SCALE                                   08 AUGUST 2009

After dinner, we walked the quiet residential streets.

There on the sidewalk, nothing else around, was a scale.

So I got on it.

Yes, the scale was working and correct.

We walked on.

I wondered, what is a scale doing out on the sidewalk?

The air was fresh, temperate, like Hawaii.

Sunlight shimmered on leafy trees and bled into adobe.

Warmth moved out of the walls.

A young girl dressed in a pink tutu with jeans came out of a gated home, walked across the street to the green lawn of a park and did a cart wheel.

Satisfied with her achievement, she went back to the house, disappearing behind the gate from whence she came.

I am being held (in the balance) of the near past and current future.

On the scale.

 

14     I JUST WANT TO EXPERIENCE GOD    17 AUGUST 2009

Said at a Women’s Meeting.

By a woman letting go of buying her dream house…

And is opening up…

To God and the real dream house.

Remember this….God is always in the house!

Heard it today.

Ears up!

 

15     STUDIO 75                                    20 AUGUST 2009

Crickets…that’s a good thing.

Wind rustling leaves…that’s a good thing.

Shadows of tree swaying…that’s a good thing.

Everything in its place.

Sleeper sofa covered in sheets.

Pillow covered in silk case.

Doggie blanket for comfort.

First night.

Breathe deep.

And know…

I am safe.

I am protected.

I am in Spirit’s Grace.

Railrunner going by…that’s a good thing.

It’s 9:30pm.

Occasional car sounds.

Curtains rustle against the windows which are open.

Dragonfly candle flickering.

Freedom…there is a new freedom.

Beeping, chirping, rustling, humming, revving, stirring.

Divine design…plan unfolding.

Look where I am.

Amazing isn’t it.

 

16     THE END OF A LONG MONTH              31 AUGUST 2009

Crickets singing at the end of day.

The night sounds of Studio 75 becoming familiar.

Fridge booting up and electricity buzzing.

I’ve been hearing electrical currents all my life.

Wave frequencies.

It’s what we are made of…

Along with Spirit…

The connective alloy.

A collage of color strips sit on the table.

I am happy it is there.

Evidence.

A book of collages sits nearby.

The fire of transformation is burning inside of me.

Step into the fire.

Let it burn.

Feel the passion within me.

Electric.

The body electric.

 

17     A VERY DEEP TEAR DROP                   01 SEPT 2009

Tiredness and sadness overcome me after a long day of people, places and things.

The realization that a divorce is pending, a house selling, a life ending.

The depth of sadness is close to me.

I draw my faith into the night.

Joy is the vessal for all emotions.

Somewhere at the bottom of this barrel is the hope, the knowing

This too shall pass.

The loving hand of Spirit reaches out over people and conditions, controlling this situation, and protecting each one.

Spirit I know you are with me even as I cry…

These tears…

Let you know…

I need you.

 

18     EVIDENCE                                                      02 SEPT 2009

Mystery…there is no end without a beginning.

On the back of the Dragonfly sticker Mary gave to me.

Dragonfly Express.

The sticker is double-sided.

Open my heart.

Nothing feels quite right.

Too much in head.

Move into my heart…Not my adrenaline.

Heart….Softer.

Trust the quiet And the stillness.

Slow down And relax.

Breathe And be.

Critical-care patients rest.

Rest and go deeper.

Believe this and go inside…this is the action step.

Fly inward, LC.

There is joy within.

There is peace within.

Quiet the mind.

Trust this “waiting time”.

Boldness has many appearances.

Your creative self is saying,

“Come here…and be with me. I am great company.”

 

19     MERCURY RETROGRADE                    07 SEPT 2009

Go inward to the depth of mercurial energy.

Breathe deep and go with what says,

“This feels good”.

And if it doesn’t feel good,

“Don’t do it”.

Please release me from what is not mine.

Help me to know what is…my heart’s desire.

Make right relationships…heal.

 

If not him then someone better.

Wisdom to know the difference.

 

Grace releases me from thinking

And lets me be in my heart.

 

Be in my body.

Be with my Spirit.

Labor day.

This is a labor of love.

 

20     THERE CAN BE NO BEGINNING WITHOUT AN ENDING                    08 SEPT 2009

Coming from the source of what works for me makes my life rich in the world.

Trust in spirit connection.

Blessed,

carried by Grace,

evidenced in synchronicities,

a new battery,

a fresh look at life.

Thank You Spirit for

Enthusiasm

Rivers of tears

Sleepy eyes

Strong body

Clear mind

Open heart.

“The unexpected happens…

My seemingly impossible good now comes to pass”.

 

21     09 09 09 VERY COOL NUMBERS                  09 SEPT 2009

The orderly magazine images peer back at me from across the room.

Sanctuary.

Greens and deep blues, twilight and darkness.

Coming out of the shadows.

Coming out of hiding.

Coming alive.

Did I live in the world of the wondrous today?

Verizon online, called Blue Cross Blue Shield, the water company, dropped off magazines, picked up x-ray images, a bunch of phone calls, banking, writing checks, exercise, a bowl of soup at Caroline’s, smiled at the sunflowers…

And welled up in tears when I told Georgia,

“I am separated from my husband”.

I do not have a husband anymore.

Please help me to sleep in the world of the wondrous…

Tonight.

 

22     ZOZOBRA                                             10 SEPT 2009

Burn up Gloomies!

Burn, Burn, Burn.

Right now, across town, Zozobra is burning.

I lit Dragonfly Candle…burning brightly.

I let go of my worries, my concerns, anxiety.

Away with what is not…not me, not mine.

Burn divorce aches and pains

Burn financial fears and woes

Burn creative blocks and resistance

Burn self-centered fears

Burn doubts and second-guessing

Burn old, worn-out, behaviors

Burn new pathways into my brain

Burn bright. Burn Bright.

 

I welcome what is mine…

Nothing can hinder, nothing can delay…

The manifestation of the Divine Plan of my life.

The Light Of Lights streams on my pathway,

Revealing the Open Road of Fulfillment.

 

23     HAVE MERCY                      11 SEPT 2009

Have mercy on us for we know not what we do.

Bless the souls who have passed.

May they be Angels watching over us.

 

I have seen the white light.

I have been in the corridor of time.

Truly I am here for a purpose.

 

My desires move me forward into the future.

Grace is gently carrying me.

Tonight.

 

Have mercy on us for we know not what we do.

 

24     ADOPTION MEANS LOVE                     12 SEPT 2009

The river of life runs through me.

The current is deep.

The wake far reaching.

 

I am in the waiting room.

In soft cotton.

In wonder.

In grief.

In gratitude.

 

Tidal pools of emotion lapping at my heart.

Touching the lives of others.

 

Divinely planned by the master had.

My broken heart lays open to you.

 

Somewhere a woman with my spirit love

Moves in this world in grace.

May she be blessed with riches of

Love

Joy

Purpose

And a good life.

 

25     UNTANGLING AND BRACES                 13 & 14 SEPT 2009

My tongue runs over the surface of my teeth.

Tomorrow all will be covered in metal.

Braces.

Untangling the years of twists.

Ordering.

Bringing right relationship from root to tooth.

The Happiness Gene.

A smile.

From the inside out.

 

They’re on!

And I know I have teeth.

Giving my self health and love.

Receiving lots of support.

Spirit doing for me that what I could not do.

A lot of sirens reminding me…

Conscious self-care.

 

26     TWENTY FOUR HOURS                        15 SEPT 2009

And my mouth is wondering about all this metal.

What’s this?

Lips get stuck when laughing.

And eating is completely different.

Thank you protein drinks and yogurt.

And squash soup for dinner.

I’ll eat eggs poached tomorrow.

 

Made collages with leftover strips.

Stripes of color and images.

Movement influenced by tall trunks

Of tall pines and aspens running vertical.

Aspen Vista Trail.

Amazing sky.

Blue.

Just a hint of gold beginning.

 

The turning of the seasons about to happen.

Next autumn my teeth will be straight.

 

27     SEEKING COMFORT                    16 SEPT 2009

I am feeling sorry for myself

There.

I said it.

Please don’t let the universe fall down on me or run away.

I am having a few moments of divorce blues.

Braces meltdown.

What have I gotten myself into to?

Mouth is a little sore.

Teeth ache, too.

And eating is awful.

Yes, I am feeling sorry for myself.

God I hope it is a quiet night.

No lightening.

And I pray for comfort.

I chose to have braces now.

Yes now.

With sleepy eyes

I must lay down.

Sweet dreams.

Trust and KISS…keep it simple sweetie!

Kick ass!

 

28     SHIFTING SEASONS                   20 SEPT 2009

Dogs are howling in the night.

Tiredness is barking at my heels.

Breathe.

And know sleep will be comfort.

Turning the thin leaves of my thoughts

Into dreams…

 

Good night Summer.

Summer of long nights,

Of grieving tears,

Of heart openings.

Good night to one married life.

A decade of companionship that hailed the cab of resentment.

Did we know where this would take us?

 

Good night summer.

I pray this seasonal change wakes me gently.

And ripples through the world

With Grace.

 

29     THE WIND BLEW ME INTO BED            01 OCT 2009

How powerless I feel after the wind

Blew me into bed

Sinus passages swelled

Head ached

Such pain

Please help me

Some relief

Tiredness follows with tears

This too shall pass

This grief.

 

Warm milk with honey

Two children’s benedryl

Dark has set

October has come

Married and divorced

The wind blew me into bed

Intensive self-care.

 

30     HAPPY BIRTHDAY BRIGHT STAR         02 OCT 2009

The soul sings a song

LEAN INTO LOVE

Into cyberspace energy

LEAN INTO LOVE

Currency of Voices Beyond Measure

LEAN INTO LOVE

Lifting a spirit with a wish

LEAN INTO LOVE

Discover your divine potential and pleasure

LEAN INTO LOVE

The full moon is rising

LEAN INTO LOVE

It is your shining gift of light

LEAN INTO LOVE

LEAN INTO LOVE

LEAN INTO LOVE

 

31     IS THIS A VISION OR A WAKING DREAM     03 0ct 2009

Saw a film tonight

Bright star

Is this a vision or a waking dream?

 

Traffic is whining in the dark

Thinking is blaring in my brain

Sleep will be a comfort

Turning the leaves of my thoughts

Into dreams

 

Good night summer

Season of long days and dark nights

Grieving tears of my heart opening

Turning the leaves of my thoughts

Into dreams

 

Good night summer

I bequest this seasonal change

Wake me gently

What world is this I am living in

A vision or a waking dream?

 

32     THE FULL MOON STARED AT ME                  04 OCT 2009

The moon rose full tonight

Pulling mercury out of retrograde

Alighting energy waves across miles

Moving obstacles effortlessly

I read John Keat’s

Love Letters

To Fanny Brawn

Inspired

My eyes may be tired from the day

The tears I have wept

Yet they still see love burning

Spirit

You are stronger

Than the night

 

32     O, AM I FOOL?                                      05 OCT 2009

I’ll light the Dragonfly Candle

I’ll get down on my knees

I’ll admit I am powerless

I’ll pray…and let go

 

I’ll cut pictures for my soul

I’ll paste inspiration on them

I’ll paint energy waves

I’ll pray…and let God

 

I’ll read meditations and poems

I’ll write words of hope I’ll listen and look

I’ll pray…and let God be God

In my life

In all lives

 

34     THOU ART FORGIVEN                                   08 OCT 2009

We were once together in another time

When thee and thou were common language

Now my dear troubadour

Email, text and twitter

Are the language currency

Short

Clipped

Truncated

Leaving much to be desired

 

There is nothing to do

But be inspired

And let fate move me

Between worlds

 

35     ALCHEMY                                               10 OCT 2009

An animal skull of antlers and bone

Embedded with a mandala of rose gems

In its third eye

Is held over my face to the world

A thumbprint creates a labyrinth

 

Staircase ascends into fields of gold

You step into the light

I am waiting

Wanting to know

What are reading?

 

36     ONE VOICE                                                    11 OCT 2009

Intuition

One Voice

Voices Beyond Measure

Sleepiness is pulling at me

Eyelids heavy

The great blues

Of the inner eye

Takes me to you

Thank you for this day

And the dreams ahead of me

 

Good night

Sweet dreams

 

37     BRUSHING MY HAIR                                      13 OCT 2009

“You can’t keep the birds of sadness

from flying over your head,

but you can keep them

from nesting in you hair.”

 

Keep brushing

Divorce is final today

Keep brushing my hair

There is a promise of luster in each stroke

 

38     THESE BOOTS WERE MADE FOR WALKING         15 OCT 09

Tall fine black leather

Expensive

Classic

Ready to be worn

For many years

New boots

To carry me into my future

Started to breathe

The Serenity Prayer

My head went down

In grief

Held in my open hands

Tears flowed as the woman prayed

One more day

Held in grace

One more hour

The pain lifts

Not without widening

The trench

Where joy

Will flow

These boots were made for walking

 

39 O GOD WON’T YOU BUY ME A MERCEDES BENZ 16 OCT 09

Song titles

Are beginning

To rule

My life

Divine direction

It can be

 

No decisions

For two weeks

Sound advice

 

40     NOW AND FOREVER, LIVE YOUR LOVE       23 OCT 2009

At day break

I made a 3-piece collage

On my bedside table

By 3:30 pm

The ring that appeared

In the collage

Had manifested

On my hand

 

Sterling silver

Thread Ring

Size 5 and 3/4

From Gusterman’s

 

Slipped into the space

Left empty

Of a the wedding ring

Worn for ten years

 

Threads to remind me

Now and forever

Live your love

 

41     PRAISES TO YOU, SIR!                         30 OCT 2009

Breadth and depth

Creating a stirring in the soul

Listened to the record

While the temperature dropped 25 degrees

The ghouls came out in wool sweaters

Happy Halloween

BOO!

 

This is my reality

Ghouls in sweaters

Bright stars across the miles

Warming my heart

 

This is my reality

Tuna melt dinner

As I laughed with joy

Remembering

I am one

With you

And all

 

42     THIS IS DONE                                        08 NOV 2009

He said, I am devastated

In deep pain

Angels help us

God hold us

 

The clock is ticking

I need sleep

Rest my body and mind

Renew my spirit

 

Tears run dry

There is life

On the other side

Sleep now

 

Angels help me

God hold me

 

43     COMING HOME                                              27 DEC 2009

Rest child after a long day

Rest child after a long travel

Breathe and let the body surrender

Breathe and let this bed hold the weight

Breathe

 

Rest child your safe after this journey

Rest child you can sleep all night

Breathe and let the thinking ease

Breathe and let this be

Breathe

 

Rest now

 

44     MINDFUL MEMORIES                            28 DEC 2009

Emotional touchstones

Creating a code for recall

Giving language to these

Evocative states

Becoming a living pathway

 

This is a map

Portrait of my inner life

Allows for creative recollection

Mindful in the moment

To create a new experience

 

Pause

To take the time

To receive

More information

To get

A whole meaning

 

45     WARM MILK AND HONEY                               04 JAN 2010

Warm air blowing through the vents

Warm milk and honey running through my veins

 

Clean sheets envelope my tired body

Clean feeling as I slide into sleep

 

Good night to this day

Good night and sweet dreams

 

Warm milk and honey

 

46     WINTER IS TIRING                                          07 JAN 2010

Cold zaps my energy

I am yawning a lot

Dark nights

Sixteen degrees

Hat. Gloves. Scarf. Boots.

Layers of clothing

Shades drawn to keep the cold out

Warmth in

Humidifier on

Heat blowing

Heart beating

Beating

 

47     COMMUNION                                                 08 JAN 2010

“There are no stories.

Communion…to have the same frequency,

The same vibration…as love.”

 

My Higher Power today is

Lean Into Love

No matter what happens

No matter what the appearances

Let love shower me

And others

And let myself

Lean Into Love

 

Communion…to have the same frequency,

The same vibration…as love.

 

48     A COMPASSIONATE HEART                          18 JAN 2010

World-view of myself is changing

Recalibrating from the inside-out

Moving from a stance of leadership

Into the expanse of a compassionate heart

 

Difference in focus

What animates me now?

Changing from creating outcomes

To the integration process within

 

What gratifies me in a primitive way?

I dare to ask

Non-verbal

And I hear

 

Seamlessness is the currency of energy

Expansiveness is presence

Joyfulness is mindful

Lightness is vitality

Intuition is my trusted guide

 

49     COMFORT IN MY OWN SKIN                         24 JAN 2010

Settling into my own skin

Deep breath

Feels

Good

Grace surrounds me tonight

Deep breath

Feels safe

Comfort in my own skin

 

50 SETTING A PLACE AT THE TABLE FOR MYSELF 26 JAN 2010

I set the place at the table for one

One moment smiling

Tucking the secret message

“You will fall in love”

Under the napkin

Next moment

Tears welling up from the

Trench of grief

I see my beautiful home

Float by on the river

And with it the broken dreams

Deep sadness pulls at the

Corners of my eyes

I go to a movie

To sit in the dark

In the bright afternoon sun

Then come back to a house

I am now living in

And I set the place at the table

For one.

 

51     IN A DREAM                                                    28 JAN 2010

You said to me

“You are not suppose to be here”

I looked deeply into your eyes

Open

Eyes open

Still

You saw me

And you put your hands together

And bowed

It snowed

All day

Winter’s night.

 

52     FULL MOON AND THAT MOMENT                  30 JAN 2010

Saw the full moon setting

In a pre-dawn sky

Creating four quadrants of light

Saw the full moon rising

Coming up from behind the mountains

On a cold winter night

 

Do you know

That moment

When you look into

Somebody’s eyes

And the whole world

Goes quiet?

 

53     ANOTHER FULL MOON, ROLL ME OVER      29 MAR 2010

Felt good vibrations

At the mention

Of a name

At an unsuspecting

Place and time

Full moon

Roll me over

 

Welcoming spring

With DH Lawrence

Making the world go quiet

 

“I am amazed at this spring, this conflagration

Of green fires lit on the soil of the earth, this blaze

Of growing, these sparks that puff in gyration,

Faces of people streaming across my gaze.”

 

Put your words over my heart today

Soul comfort

It’s an inside job

 

54     THE SHAPE-MAKING OF AN AUTONOMOUS WOMAN

08 APRIL 2010

The shape-making of an autonomous woman

Crafting

Spiritually creating

Less is more

Slower is faster

Keeping my bearings

Maintaining my shape-forming

 

Spiritually in an awakening

Physically moving

Learning to care for self

Emotionally transformative

Integrating who I am

From completely new pieces

 

55     YELLOW LIGHT WHITE LIGHT                         12 APR 2010

Green light has been shining bright

Then an accident

The airbag came out around me

A buffer A protection

Pause Yellow light

Pause to take the time

To receive More information

To access A whole meaning

 

A card was sent today

White light

A dandelion surrounded in green

“If I could make a wish

I wish you were here”

Be in the light

Go everywhere with grace

 

Message clear

Can I trust

No matter what happens

Resting at the yellow light

I am in heaven

 

56     WHO WILL KISS ME                              15 APR 2010

Wonder as I get ready for bed

Who will be the first to kiss me

Sweet troubadour

Distant soul star

Or Someone yet to meet

Angels surround me

Smiling they know!

All three!

I saw a dusty car window today

That displayed a great

Message in the grime

“I wish my wife were this dirty”

Remember this:

Dirty Is Good!

Learn life lessons everywhere

 

57     CAN I RELAX AND TAKE IT EASY          16 APRIL 2010

Deep breathing

On the wake of a wave

Flurry of emails and phone calls

An envelope in the mail today

Contained three photos

The Navigator bike

Cushy seat

With an invitation

Wana go to Block Isle

Scampi the Legendary Sch. Family Cat

Green plush summer lawn

You standing in pond

Twenty one

Wet skivvies

White tee

My drop in the water

I was looking for yesterday

And you are here

Now

 

58     WHERE R U                                           17 APRIL 2010

Switching lanes

Must stay in my body

Banged front tooth

Ouch

Bent brace wire

Tooth moved

Braces are a metaphor

(And really on right now)

Straightening of my life

Don’t push the river

Don’t go over the speed limit

Pay attention to this

Go inside

Breathe

And be

Don’t miss out on this time

We will never be here again

Together

 

59     MUSCLE SPASM LOVE                                 19 APR 2010

“Took me out of meditation meeting on a stretcher

At emergency room

In good hands”

Can I do anything from here?

“You just did”

Muscle spasm love

“I’m coming to Santa Fe

I’m coming to get you

I am going to take care of you

Forever”

A proclamation of how good

You will be

To me and for me

Singing me songs

“From the most comfortable bed

with a view of Long Island sound”

Under the influence

Of potent pain killers

And powerful love

Breathe sweet troubadour

And hear

My heart beating

With yours

 

60     I WANT TO SLEEP WITH YOU IN THE DESERT

UNDER THE STARS                                        20 APRIL 2010

Sleepy eyes

Weary

Sad romance songs

Nearly empty bar

Thoughts leave the room

My heart beating a path to you

And now I breathe

My body landing in spirit

Breathing into a deep place

Of rest

Thank you

For night fall

And soft sheets

And a firm mattress

And dreams

I want to sleep with you

In the desert

Under the stars

 

61     INTO THE FIRE                                      21 APR 2010

Communion

To have the same frequency

The same vibration

As love

Stand in the fire

With me

And know when to step out

Before we explode

Combust

Melt

Alchemy

 

But stand long enough

In the fire with me

To be shaped

By burning love

Made new

Each time

We choose

To go

Into

The

Fire

 

62     AM EMAIL PM TEXT                                23 APRIL 2010

AM EMAIL

Girl on fire

Earth Day is Every Day

My personal earth day question

How is a girl who likes flying in the ethers

So much

Ever going to have a roll in the hay

Rhetorical to hysterical

 

PM TEXT

I am liquid

Running deep

And rich

And real

Like a warm soft comforter

All over you

Into a river of sleep

 

64     ALMOST ALL MOST A FULL MOON                25 APRIL 2010

Shimmering sunset light

Blossoms exploding in color

Gentle wind applauding

Shaking limbs and leaf

Useless sweet puffs of clouds

Hang close to the mountains

Turning pink to gold

As I smile

Above it all

An almost full moon

Pulls me upward

And away

Rolling

Tumbling

Turning

Towards you

Into the ethers I go

In all ways

Always

Kissing the moon

 

64     CLARIFICATION PLEASE                               26 APRIL 2010

Legs straight up in the air

With pink toenails

Honest thinking

Instead of wishful

How many places

Between the 2100 miles

Have you asked me

To meet you

 

In my wake

Perhaps that is divine design

There is more being

Clarified than meets the eye

A full moon is forming

My body is going liquid

Waves rushing through me

I feel lonely tonight

 

I want a real date

With a real man

Awake

 

65     SNOW HAIL RAIN SUN                                   30 APRIL 2010

Wishing I could run

Across the desert

Fly through the sky

Into your arms

On a crazy weather loop

Snow hail rain sun

 

66     COCOON SWOON DANCE                                    02 MAY 2010

Pink clouds at sunrise

Snow kissing the day hello

Wrapped in soft cotton

Swirls of pheromone

Glands swell

Temperature rises

Body moves

Cocoon Swoon Dance

 

67     LET’S NEVER SEE EACH OTHER IN PERSON

THIS IS HEAVEN                                             03 MAY 2010

I sigh

I lie down at 4pm

In the cocoon

In the space of in-between

In the Waiting Room

 

My body wants to spoon

My limbs want to be tangled

My hairline wants to sweat

My nervous system wants to pump

My pelvic wants to pulsate

 

My breathe wants to exhale

Femininity and inhale you

I’m waiting for who?

 

Refrain

Let’s see each other in person

And know heaven on earth

 

68     DREAM UP                                                      05 MAY 2010

Invitation

“Dream up

Dream up

Let me fill your cup

With the promise

Of a man”

 

Harvest

“Art washed away

from the soul

the dust

of everyday life”.

Pablo Picasso

 

Response

“Dream up

Dream up

Let me fill your cup

With the promise

Of a woman

 

69     THESE ARE THE EYES ON MOTHER’S DAY 06 MAY 2010

These are the eyes

Which have never seen her child

 

These are the ears

Which have never heard her child

 

These are the arms

Which have never held her child

 

These are the legs

Which have never walked her child

 

These are the hands

That never touched her child

 

This is the heart

That has always loved her

 

70     CURLS IN THE AIR                                         07 MAY 10

On low self-esteem days

I curl my long brown hair

Simple solutions

Movie Star Waves

Coming at you!

 

71     MIGRAINE STRAIN                                          07 MAY 10

Saw the white dots

Spirit moved out of body

Chasing light

Leaving pain

Flattened for the day

 

73     ONE ONE ONE         WON                 10 MAY10

Good day

One cotton white sheet

One soft down comforter

One silk covered pillow

To rest my precious head on

I am lucky

I love to work

I work to love

 

“Turn, trust Spirit, and flee from thee all that is less”.

 

73     CROOKED PLACES                                       10 MAY 10

Have braces on my teeth since Sept

They serve as a metaphor for my life

Straightening out the crooked places

Naturally

The man did not land

My teeth ache today

Another Virgin Awakening

 

Bent into love

 

74              SEND ME PEONIES                      10 MAY 2010

Aching heart and head and shoulders

Want you to send me flowers

Yes peonies

Peonies would be wonderful

Listening to dramatic sitar music

Suits my mood

Stormy

Deep river

Swimming width and depth

No more on the surface

Cotton candy text

Send me your underpants

Send me your peonies

Send me your heart

Send me your sad story

Send me your sincerity

Send me your truth

I WILL RECEIVE IT

I will listen

I am tumbling across the windswept landscape

Rolling past a grandmother asking me to find

Her first grand-daughter

Rolling past doors

I said I would not open

That now are ajar

Rolling past rules I made that I said

I will retire

Rolling past feelings of longing

Rolling past dreams of asking

Am I awake or dreaming

Are you hear or here or hair

Rolling Rolling Rolling

Spinning Spinning Spinning

Turning Turning Turning

Yearning Yearning Yearning

To land on a man

Who will put his arms around me

And Stand strong

As the wind blows

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