Dear Life, There is a quote from Joan Didion that resounds meaningfully within me:
“Life changes fast. Life changes in an instant. The ordinary instant”.
I can point to several “instances” when my life changed fast and forever. Today, I reconcile “expectations and reality” while I integrate a “new normal” that is not wholly defined by any one part of me. My life embodies many parts that play with one another. Artist, friend, mother, daughter, sibling, recovering alcoholic/addict, cancer patient, member of global community, mentor, spiritual warrior.
The journey is mine to live each day in the ordinary instant.
Yours Truly, Pamela Rose

Dear Life, Today I begin 7 days of low-dose chemo. Next Tuesday, blood labs will be done to see if the Cytoxin is knocking back blood counts. I have a Pet Scan in 10 days, then get outfitted with a heart monitor for two weeks followed by an echocardiogram. Eyes and skin get checked. Ah, the month of March blows in with a plethora of medical appointments, tests, therapy, and treatments. March Madness.
Yours Truly, Pamela Rose

Dear Life, Slept 10 hours around an “awake” hour 4:30-5:30am. Strange thoughts and dreams in the pre-dawn hour. Nothing monstrous or anxious. Actually rather dull. One dream: Standing in line at Ikea with an armful of purchases and seeing a pen with ink set I wanted. Store was about to close. Was there time to get it. Woke up as salesperson got a stepladder to get the pen set. Oddly, it’s something I really want so I’ll get it somewhere. Airline ticket purchased for April in hopes of returning East: NYC and CT. Body needs to hold or improve blood counts for this to happen. It’s been a year since last visit. Migrate “home” for two weeks. Coming slowly out of hibernation.
Yours Truly, Pamela Rose

Dear Life, I came upon these two crows peacefully sitting on a wire. As I photographed, one took flight. The image is meaningful. I have been dealing with PTSD from the past year’s treatments. There is only one healthy way to be in it: go through the feelings and be in the present moment. The storm passes. The grief lifts. The sadness slips away. My heart opens to the moment, daily living, joy, peace. Fatigue fades incrementally and my energy lifts me. I’ve invited friends here for games and meal. Grateful I can do this today. Not taking anything for granted.
Yours Truly, Pamela Rose

Dear Life, Many people besides myself are feeling a tiredness, fatigue from 2 years of pandemic restrictions, and escalating world fears. General tiredness can simply come from short days of light and long nights of cold. Fatigue from the pandemic continues to raise questions: Mask or no mask? For those with compromised immune systems, like me, masks. Germs continue to spread no matter how “fatigued” we feel. World fears are complex yet I take my leads from spiritual leaders. The Dalai Lama said, “As long as we are a part of human society, it is very important to be a kind, warm-hearted person.” Simple but not easy. These are not easy times.
Yours Truly, Pamela Rose

Dear Life, Waking to the explosive world news is saddening. The bombs dropped on anyone anywhere are explosions inside of each of us. We are connected energetically therefore today I expand the vision for love and peace in my heart and words and actions. Living in the solutions not the self-destructive behaviors. I remember this is the real power to counter violence, cruelty, cancer, addiction, and all diseases, personal and societal.
Yours Truly, Pamela Rose

Dear Life, My letter went out with a lot of “cut and paste” issues. THank you all for your patience. Here’s what I had hoped to say:

Love Letter to Life 02.23.2022 Cooperation and Peace

Dear Life, This is a favorite photo from 2005. Peace. I am in a Cancer Clinical Trail that has protocols and requires me to follow them. So when I was told that I will have to take a half-dose of chemo meds beginning next week, I remembered, this a medical journey that has many turns in the road. Yes, the evidence of my blood counts improving without chemo are there. But now we reintroduce the chemo to see, is it the chemo that knocks back my blood counts. In two weeks we will know more. If counts are lower, oncologist said, “You are off chemo”. So we will see.
Yours Truly, A Cooperative Pamela Rose

Dear Life, This is a favorite photo from 2005. Peace. I am in a Cancer Clinical Trail that has protocols and requires me to follow them. So when I was told that I will have to take a half-dose of chemo meds beginning next week, I remembered, this a medical journey that has many turns in the road. Yes, the evidence of my blood counts improving without chemo are there. But now we reintroduce the chemo to see, is it the chemo that knocks back my blood counts. In two weeks we will know more. Oncologist said, “If the blood counts are lower , you will be off chemo.” So we will see.
Yours Truly, A Cooperative Pamela Rose

Dear Life, Good news on the blood count front: numbers moved up again and I’m close to a low normal. Hoping this supports my advocacy for being put in the no-chemo clinical trail group. Numbers make the difference. At 10:30, I see Dr Herbert to discuss the blood results and my progress. Then I receive third immunotherapy infusion. This is a 3 hour process. Please send supportive and loving thoughts my way. I feel them and am deeply appreciative.
Yours Truly, Pamela Rose