Dear Life, Woke to snow. Blue Angel will be take me to the Cancer Center for blood tests at noon. Just finished a week of chemo meds and will find out how it affected my blood counts. This and other factors will determine what Clinical Trail group I will be in going forward for 22 months. I’m grateful to own a car that loves the snow and that the center is only 10 minutes from my house. Feeling hopeful.
Yours Truly, Pamela Rose

Dear Life, Thank you for the outpouring of support. It’s been 21 years since I bought my 2001 Outback. Subaru could use me for an ad. Then again, they wouldn’t be selling too many cars if all their customers were like me! Yesterday, I sold the Outback. It felt weird leaving the White Stallion in another driveway. However, this morning I woke to this Blue Angel outside my door. I am grateful and looking forward to taking a drive north.
Yours Truly, Pamela Rose

Dear Life, Yesterday after 2 hours in the chemo suite seat receiving an antibody injection and then 2 hours of paperwork inside the Subaru dealership, the ferocious March wind blew me into the driver’s seat of my 2022 Crosstrek at 6:00pm. That big smile says it all. I happily owned my White Stallion Outback for 21 years and look forward to another 20 years in my Khaki Gray-Blue, Subaru Crosstrek. Manifestation of a dream come true. Thank You! Love Is Out There!
Yours Truly, Pamela Rose

Dear Life, Today, depending on how my antibody infusion goes, I’ll be able to pick up my new Crosstrek. Found out it was “on the truck”; coming in last night. The news pumped my adrenaline so much I emptied out and washed my Outback. It’s for sale. Went to the bank to have down payment ready and called insurance company. I clipped this Subaru ad a couple of years ago and kept it on my art table. Dreams come true. It’s so good to have something non-medical to look forward to: New wheels and road trips. Love Is Out There.
Yours Truly, Pamela Rose

Dear Life, Calls come in throughout the day scheduling more medical appointments. I breathe in. Be Grateful. I will receive a second dose of antibodies to prevent Covid. My heart will be monitored. There will be a cardiologist on my team. I’m most excited about getting my hair styled on March 30th by a new hairdresser. I shaved my head last April when it was falling out again during massive chemo treatments in the hospital. It’s an inch long now. And so my life goes and my hair grows, a day at a time, an appointment at a time, a breath at a time.
Yours Truly, Pamela Rose

Dear Life, There is a quote from Joan Didion that resounds meaningfully within me:
“Life changes fast. Life changes in an instant. The ordinary instant”.
I can point to several “instances” when my life changed fast and forever. Today, I reconcile “expectations and reality” while I integrate a “new normal” that is not wholly defined by any one part of me. My life embodies many parts that play with one another. Artist, friend, mother, daughter, sibling, recovering alcoholic/addict, cancer patient, member of global community, mentor, spiritual warrior.
The journey is mine to live each day in the ordinary instant.
Yours Truly, Pamela Rose

Dear Life, Today I begin 7 days of low-dose chemo. Next Tuesday, blood labs will be done to see if the Cytoxin is knocking back blood counts. I have a Pet Scan in 10 days, then get outfitted with a heart monitor for two weeks followed by an echocardiogram. Eyes and skin get checked. Ah, the month of March blows in with a plethora of medical appointments, tests, therapy, and treatments. March Madness.
Yours Truly, Pamela Rose

Dear Life, Slept 10 hours around an “awake” hour 4:30-5:30am. Strange thoughts and dreams in the pre-dawn hour. Nothing monstrous or anxious. Actually rather dull. One dream: Standing in line at Ikea with an armful of purchases and seeing a pen with ink set I wanted. Store was about to close. Was there time to get it. Woke up as salesperson got a stepladder to get the pen set. Oddly, it’s something I really want so I’ll get it somewhere. Airline ticket purchased for April in hopes of returning East: NYC and CT. Body needs to hold or improve blood counts for this to happen. It’s been a year since last visit. Migrate “home” for two weeks. Coming slowly out of hibernation.
Yours Truly, Pamela Rose

Dear Life, I came upon these two crows peacefully sitting on a wire. As I photographed, one took flight. The image is meaningful. I have been dealing with PTSD from the past year’s treatments. There is only one healthy way to be in it: go through the feelings and be in the present moment. The storm passes. The grief lifts. The sadness slips away. My heart opens to the moment, daily living, joy, peace. Fatigue fades incrementally and my energy lifts me. I’ve invited friends here for games and meal. Grateful I can do this today. Not taking anything for granted.
Yours Truly, Pamela Rose