Dear Life, Slow rise to a beautiful day. Chemo medication started yesterday (second round for 7 days, twice a day) so my body is adjusting. I’m grateful a friend is coming at noon with lunch for us. So important in the time of Covid to have a few people I can hang out with around the kitchen table. Green Chili Stew and Love.
Yours Truly, Pamela Rose

Dear Life, I value the solitude necessary for my well-being and health. Stillness coupled with creative expression unlock doors to new ideas that help me navigate the landscapes of cancer, covid, and self-quarantine. I stay above the waterline of melancholy, depression, and grief knowing they could sweep me into difficult places that are hard to get out of. I feel the feelings and the hands of all my loved ones on board this trip even though we are not under the same roof. We are under the same sky, surrounded by the same earth, and of the same Heart. Love.
Yours Truly, Pamela Rose

Dear Life, Rev Dr Martin Luther King Jr said, “The time is always right to do right.” These words resonate within me as I reflect upon the state of the world and closer into my personal life actions. Where am I bringing peace? understanding? equality? respect? service? solution? compassion? love? As my body wages war against cancer within me, I hope and advocate a cure for cancer by being a part of a clinical trial. Standing strong arm in arm with my sisters and brothers in peace and love is how I walk in the world as an advocate of equal rights for all. Voices Beyond Measure.
Yours Truly, Pamela Rose

Dear Life, The year 2020 began with new challenges including diagnosis of Lymphoma, loss of a dear friend (2 years today; I miss you Allan) and the pandemic. I received the R-CHOP chemotherapy Feb – May and lost my hair. I participated in a workshop “Write To Heal” sponsored by the Cancer Foundation. We met via Zoom because of quarantine. Today, the “interlopers”, cancer and Covid, are still here, being dealt with on a daily basis. Be safe.
Here is another piece of my writing from last week’s reading:

3.31.20 Falling Apart
Who is this that has entered the house of my body
And taken up residency
Changing the draperies, moving the furniture, pulling up rugs
Wallpapering with patterns never seen

What are you doing here
Demanding space be made for you
All the movements have changed
With our new arrangement

Here we are now in the silence
Here we are now in the cacophony
Here we are now in the harmony
Here we are now in the symphony

And I have stopped resisting
And I sit with you daily
And I listen when you speak
And I hear a new voice deep within

Look here and see the sorrow
Look here and see the shadows
Look here and see the infusion of light
Look here and see the fibrous marrow

Stay still and know I am here for you
Stay still and know I am helping you
Stay still and know I am a part of you
Stay still and know I will leave you

And this visit will bear lessons and gifts
And this visit will witness your life
And this visit will bring new experiences
And this visit will come to pass

Be with me, talk with me, create with me
Be with me, scream with me, cry with me
Be with me, surrender with me, rest with me
Be with me, love with me

And I will live and die with you
a thousand lives and deaths through eternity
Pamela Markoya copyright 2020

Dear Life, On 01.14.2020 at 2:00pm, I was diagnosed with Aggressive Lymphoma and told we would a start rigorous Chemotherapy treatment. I felt like going out to the desert and never returning. That evening at 10:00pm, I opened my computer and found an email with an attachment from Ancestry.com: My beautiful daughter, Tracy, released for adoption in 1968, found me on Ancestry and wrote me an email. My heart broke open with mother-love and a fierce life force to live. Today is the second anniversary of our relationship that gives me love and hope beyond measure. Miracles Do Happen.
Yours Truly, Pamela Rose

Dear Life, I have come to understand that most things in life are temporary including what might seem to be forever. It’s best for me to live a day at a time, a moment at time, and sometimes with a far off look in my eyes. This helps me remember the horizon of my hopes and dreams that go beyond what is here now. Today, an appointment with a neurologist who is joining my team. We will take a closer look at my brain, maybe find out what is causing ocular migraines, see “What’s going on in that head of mine!”
Laughter helps me suit up and show up.
Yours Truly, Pamela Rose

Dear Life, We began the “creation” of a new immune system within me so that my stem/immune cells will strengthen, recognize cancer cells, and destroy them. All our bodies do this. Mine needs help so a terrific team is on board to do just that. I must remember to rest and rejuvenate. My muscles and joints feel the weariness of new drugs. I gratefully have a Spirit that engages my mind in creative projects that have low physical impact: writing, collaging, drawing, painting, cooking. I write to you now from the comfort of my bed where I’ll hang out awhile. It is Winter and time to hibernate. Be a fox in its’ seasonal den. Thank you all for your thoughts, prayers and wishes. I feel them.
Yours Truly, Pamela Rose

Dear Life, After having 13 vials of blood taken yesterday, I’ll take what’s left of me to the Cancer Center at 10:30am. First I’ll see Dr Herbert, oncologist, to review results and discuss Clinical Trial procedure. Then go up to the chemo suite where I’ll receive first infusion and injection of immunotherapy medicines. There will be anti-allergic drugs administered, too. Nurses will watch me for hours to make sure there are no adverse reactions. Breathe and trust I am in the excellent care of medical professionals, love and support of family and friends, Grace and Strength from a Higher Power.
Thank you for being with me in spirit.
Yours Truly, Pamela Rose

Dear Life, Many medical appointments this week so I cooked yesterday and will clean, do laundry today. Have to make a quick trip to Cancer Center for bloodwork so results will be ready for tomorrow’s morning oncology appointment after which I begin immunotherapy infusion and vaccine injection. I like cooking and cleaning because there are positive, instantaneous results. Plus shakes out nervous energy. Been taking chemo meds twice a day for a week and so far, so good. Thankfully, no major side effects.
Yours Truly, Pamela Rose