Dear Life, I met Dr Ansari, the radiologist who reads scans/x-rays and writes all the reports. We sat in a small, dark room with three large screens and we looked at my images, comparing and discussing. It was sobering. Lymphoma is present in several areas of my upper body including the bone. Treatments have pushed it around but we have a major battle going on. Immunotherapy/Vaccine Treatments with chemo are the new defense. All energy focused on kicking the shit out of this unwanted predator in my body. My Sunday Prayer! Yours Truly, Pamela Rose
Dear Life, Last night, I joined 70 people on a Zoom webinar “Write To Heal” hosted by the Cancer Foundation. It was a privilege and honor to participate. My sister, Arlene, took these screen shots while I was reading. Here is one of the pieces I read that was written after being diagnosed with Stage 4 Lymphoma and the Pandemic hit the world:
3.25.2020 FEAR IN THE TIME OF CANCER AND COVID-19 fear of never being held again fear of not touching another person fear of bones drying up fear of withering away
fear of money running out fear of moving in with family fear of hair growing back curly fear of taste buds changing
fear of skin going pale fear of legs not holding my weight fear of you leaving because I have cancer fear of me leaving because I have cancer
fear of life ending before I hold you fear of what else might take me out fear of finger and toenails rippling fear of knocks on the door in the middle of the night
fear of gin sales rocketing in the time of covid-19 fear of seeing the absence of love in your eyes fear of you not recognizing me fear of not recognizing myself
fear of losing faith fear of losing you fear of losing life fear of losing me
Dear Life, Today at 10:00am, I have an appointment with radiologist doctor to see all my scans on a big screen and discuss. I’ve never done this. I am a very visual person so Dr Herbert suggested to see x-rays/scans this way. It’s a strange thing to be excited about but I am. Later today, I am participating in a Cancer Foundation reading via zoom. I did a writing workshop in 2020; recently, was asked to read two of my pieces. I am honored to be one amongst a group who will read. This life continues to offer new experiences. Thank you. Yours Truly, Pamela Rose
Dear Life, Thank you for all the loving support. I feel it. Yesterday during therapy, I had an epiphany: Living in the moment can include some future plans. Life is expanding. The book with my sister can be worked on and completed. My Love Letters can be compiled into a small inspirational reader and published. The collages, drawings, and paintings can continue to be created and catalogued (an artist’s dreaded thing to do). A new experience of love can be experienced. NOW I AM curious about my life. Yours Truly, Pamela Rose
Dear Life, On a compass, one degree sets you in an entire new direction. So it is in Clinical Trials. One must “meet the protocol” and on Monday, my Neutrophils were not there. “Let’s do another blood test Tuesday morning”. Dr Herbert walked into the exam room with smiling eyes saying, “You’re in!” Less than a degree increase brought me over the mark needed. I cried and began the Clinical Trial yesterday. I’m in the Chemo group, so will be taking low dose chemo orally throughout the two years, one week on, one week off. Next Tuesday, immunotherapy medication infusion and vaccination, which is also on spread out schedule. It’s rigorous however holds hope. My prognosis is so much better. Cancer is receding given all the treatments I’ve had. WE WILL WIN! Yours Truly, Pamela Rose
Dear Life, Black ink drawings began when I found out I was eligible for Clinical Trial. This week begins with extensive blood work today then tomorrow, an appointment with Clinical Trial oncologist, Dr Herbert, to find out results of scans and tests, along with what “arm” of Clinical Trial I’m going to be in. Treatment will start. More to be revealed as I receive information and begin. Thank you for your love and support. Yours Truly, Pamela Rose
Dear Life, It is the first day of the New Year 2022. I made this collage with many messages, visible as well tucked into secret places to be found as the eye wanders with ease around the surface, edges, and underneath. Just as it does in Life and Love. My 2022 affirmation: LIVE WITH EASE, WANDER, AND CURIOSITY AS I FOLLOW MY HEART. Wishing everyone a day and a year of life in many colors with ease, wander, and curiosity following your heart. Yours Truly, Pamela Rose
Dear Life, I woke early and reflectively wrote in my journal. It’s been quite a year and two. Some how the ink could not inscribe words about 2021 without referencing 2020: 1/14/20 Diagnosed with Lymphoma. On the same day, an email from my daughter after 51 years of being apart due to releasing her for adoption. World goes upside down and then righted again. Mother Love propels me upright through the death of a dear friend and chemotherapy for 6 months into a “cancer-free” zone for 10 months. The pandemic arrived in early 2020, affecting the global family. No travel. Many deaths. Scientists rush to find a vaccine. They do and thus begins another political divide: to vaccinate or not. Turmoil in medicine and politics. January 2021, sees Washington in an unprecedented upheaval as radical protesters storm the “House” where 2020 election results are being verified. Loss of life. Pandemic rages on. Biden steps up as President. And Trump flies to Florida saying, “It was rigged.” I get more tests and on April 1st, 2021, get the results: Cancer is back and aggressive; next treatment requires lots of chemo and Stem Cell Replacement. On 4/2/21, I fly to CT in order to reunite with my daughter, Tracy. The arms of happiness and joy embrace us for the next week of visits. I meet her children, visit Rose, my 90 year old mom, family, and friends. 4/8/21 back to Santa Fe and then Denver for a battle for my life. The summer of 2021 was the hardest time of treatment I’ve experienced. Home again to Santa Fe in mid-September, I recuperate and prepare to move. October finds me in a new neighborhood and cozy apartment. November brings the news, Stem Cell Replacement failed although I am still here so not entirely. December brings a miracle: I am now #1 patient in the world of Phase Two Clinical Trail that will begin in January 2022. Phew! I smiled, laughed, and cried while living all this and writing this morning. The year gave me many new experiences but nothing greater than a new experience of love. You are all participating. I thank you with love and gratitude. Yours Truly, Pamela Rose
Dear Life, January is front loaded with many medical appointments. Yesterday, the chemicals from Tuesday’s scans pulsed within and out of me through many tears. I am told, “Cry. It releases the toxins.” Release the fear, grief, and sadness that comes along with all of this… living. Most of us have these same feelings as we live through a pandemic. So many people have my back. I feel it. Your love holds me together on my vulnerable days when I stay inside, rest, play my Scrabble app and watch movies. Many days, I am upright, in the studio and may even have a visit with a friend. Today, is one of those days that I get to visit an artist friend’s studio. Bundle up and enjoy every minute! Yours Truly, Pamela Rose
Pamela Rose Markoya 