Dear Life, I feel like a space creature from the moon after two weeks of essentially living in bed. Healing the head cold/virus is slow going due to compromised immune system. However, looking at this collage, I see on May 18, 2020, I was in the hospital, so I’m grateful for my strange existence in my home “bubble” rather than in the hospital. There’s a little bit of uptick in energy and a glimmer of hope that my body is turning a corner. Hopefully, I will return to earth-living in the very near future. Happy Full Moon, Friends Yours Truly, Pamela Rose
Dear Life, Two weeks in bed with all the symptoms of Lymphoma and the oncologist said yesterday, “you have a head cold”. My tragic mind had gone to Covid, ruled out by test and cancer progressing ruled out by bloodwork. I felt relieved and embarrassed. Drink lots of fluids, take decongestants to move infection out of head, throat and stomach, and rest, rest, rest. Doctor sent me up to chemo suite for an infusion of Saline. I went from “OH My GOD I’m actually afraid of dying” to “PRM get out of drama and in the life flow of being relieved and healing”. The oncologist said” This is the first cold you’ve had since cancer”. It’s like I am a baby and everything is a “first time” and feels big. Yours Truly, Baby PRM WHAH
Dear Life, This statement by Dr Nina Shah says a whole lot:
“One cell got really selfish and decided it needed to take up all the resources of everybody else (cells), and in doing so, took up space and energy from the rest of the body”.
This feels accurate inside of my body. Energy gets zapped. Strength and appetite diminishes. Cancer and treatments, especially chemotherapy, create “brain fog”. Each day with few exceptions, I have risen up to meet this formidable foe to-to-toe. I am on the rise today. Some of you have thanked me for the “education”. I knew so little about cancer before I was diagnosed so I’m passing on a little knowledge and experience. Thank you all for sending energy my way. I feel it. Yours Truly, Pamela Rose
Dear Life, Here is a description of blood cancer disease:
“In general, having a blood cancer means that your bone marrow is not functioning correctly. And when bone marrow doesn’t function correctly, you have something happen to you like anemia. Or you can have low platelets, which means it is possible for you to bleed easily. Or your immune system is not functioning correctly.” Dr Nina Shah, MD
All of this has happened within me plus other symptoms for over three years. The disease plus the rigorous treatments impact my energy, take up time and space, change my life on a regular basis. I am following the Instagram and Facebook Project, The Isolation Journals by Suleika Jaouad, writer, artist, and wife of Jon Baptiste. Also reading her NYT bestseller, Between Two Kingdoms: A Memoir of a Life Interrupted. Suleika was diagnosed with Leukemia at 22 and again at 32. She’s had two Bone Marrow Transplants and is in treatment in NYC. Her journey is an inspiration. Doctors recommended I have another transplant but I chose against it and then offered the Clinical Trail. This is a daily uphill battle. I am grateful for the hope in others. Yours Truly, Pamela Rose
Dear Life, The past few days I’ve felt like a ghost of myself. Low ebb of energy, little creativity and flatline emotions. Cancer can feel this way sometimes. Add to it the high winds, fire, smoke. Well, it’s a lot. Yesterday I heard this line in a movie: “Grief is a house that blows into the air at the slightest gust”. I am grieving my past life trusting a new one will rise from the ashes. This takes faith that isn’t always in me. Please lend me yours until me and my ghost can build a new life. Yours Truly, Pamela Rose
Dear Life, On this first day May, after staying in bed all morning, I am not at all sure what my Soul is thinking. Apocalyptic? Hopeful? Exhausted? Emerging? Colorful? Monochromatic? B&W? Any clues are appreciated. I am upright. Yours Truly, Pamela Rose
Dear Life, There is a New Moon and Solar Eclipse today. I made this collage quite awhile ago and have been waiting to post on a New Moon day. Do I travel on the road away from fires or travel inward on the surface of a canvas where the air is cleaner. When my Iphone Weather App opens up and says SMOKE staying inside is the best choice. Please stay safe. Yours Truly, Pamela Rose
Dear Life, I have more affirmations: I want to share life with a partner. Right for one another. All In. I need to care for and be cared for by another. To have a domestic life that is loving, lively, spacious enough for others. Simultaneously a large life and intimate. I write this in bed after a day that saw more tiredness than energy. That’s okay. And I write this after watching a cornball romance movie that had a happy ending. That’s okay, too. Reality: Ear plugs in. Nose and eye drops done. Deep hydration cream on dermatology burn spots. Bandaid between upper lip and nose where burn blister formed and popped. Hoodie and cap on head to keep warm. Smile. I’m the picture of loveliness. A Goddess In Repose. A dream in waiting. Yours Truly, Pamela Rose
Dear Life, I took a short walk in spite of the smoke. These beauties met me along the way. This is why it is important to keep up daily routines. Walk, meditate, write, collage, paint, stop by a friend’s house to see their garden, go to the nursery to buy a geranium, attend a 12 step meeting. Listen and look around me. These activities help me to be peaceful and know a sense of well-being. Beauty. Nature. Order. Love. Creativity. Life. Yours Truly, Pamela Rose
Pamela Rose Markoya 