Dear Life, I have come to understand that most things in life are temporary including what might seem to be forever. It’s best for me to live a day at a time, a moment at time, and sometimes with a far off look in my eyes. This helps me remember the horizon of my hopes and dreams that go beyond what is here now. Today, an appointment with a neurologist who is joining my team. We will take a closer look at my brain, maybe find out what is causing ocular migraines, see “What’s going on in that head of mine!”
Laughter helps me suit up and show up.
Yours Truly, Pamela Rose

Dear Life, We began the “creation” of a new immune system within me so that my stem/immune cells will strengthen, recognize cancer cells, and destroy them. All our bodies do this. Mine needs help so a terrific team is on board to do just that. I must remember to rest and rejuvenate. My muscles and joints feel the weariness of new drugs. I gratefully have a Spirit that engages my mind in creative projects that have low physical impact: writing, collaging, drawing, painting, cooking. I write to you now from the comfort of my bed where I’ll hang out awhile. It is Winter and time to hibernate. Be a fox in its’ seasonal den. Thank you all for your thoughts, prayers and wishes. I feel them.
Yours Truly, Pamela Rose

Dear Life, After having 13 vials of blood taken yesterday, I’ll take what’s left of me to the Cancer Center at 10:30am. First I’ll see Dr Herbert, oncologist, to review results and discuss Clinical Trial procedure. Then go up to the chemo suite where I’ll receive first infusion and injection of immunotherapy medicines. There will be anti-allergic drugs administered, too. Nurses will watch me for hours to make sure there are no adverse reactions. Breathe and trust I am in the excellent care of medical professionals, love and support of family and friends, Grace and Strength from a Higher Power.
Thank you for being with me in spirit.
Yours Truly, Pamela Rose

Dear Life, Many medical appointments this week so I cooked yesterday and will clean, do laundry today. Have to make a quick trip to Cancer Center for bloodwork so results will be ready for tomorrow’s morning oncology appointment after which I begin immunotherapy infusion and vaccine injection. I like cooking and cleaning because there are positive, instantaneous results. Plus shakes out nervous energy. Been taking chemo meds twice a day for a week and so far, so good. Thankfully, no major side effects.
Yours Truly, Pamela Rose

Dear Life, I met Dr Ansari, the radiologist who reads scans/x-rays and writes all the reports. We sat in a small, dark room with three large screens and we looked at my images, comparing and discussing. It was sobering. Lymphoma is present in several areas of my upper body including the bone. Treatments have pushed it around but we have a major battle going on. Immunotherapy/Vaccine Treatments with chemo are the new defense.
All energy focused on kicking the shit out of this unwanted predator in my body.
My Sunday Prayer!
Yours Truly, Pamela Rose

Dear Life, Last night, I joined 70 people on a Zoom webinar “Write To Heal” hosted by the Cancer Foundation. It was a privilege and honor to participate. My sister, Arlene, took these screen shots while I was reading. Here is one of the pieces I read that was written after being diagnosed with Stage 4 Lymphoma and the Pandemic hit the world:

3.25.2020 FEAR IN THE TIME OF CANCER AND COVID-19
fear of never being held again
fear of not touching another person
fear of bones drying up
fear of withering away

fear of money running out
fear of moving in with family
fear of hair growing back curly
fear of taste buds changing

fear of skin going pale
fear of legs not holding my weight
fear of you leaving because I have cancer
fear of me leaving because I have cancer

fear of life ending before I hold you
fear of what else might take me out
fear of finger and toenails rippling
fear of knocks on the door in the middle of the night

fear of gin sales rocketing in the time of covid-19
fear of seeing the absence of love in your eyes
fear of you not recognizing me
fear of not recognizing myself

fear of losing faith
fear of losing you
fear of losing life
fear of losing me

Pamela Markoya (C) 2020

Dear Life, Today at 10:00am, I have an appointment with radiologist doctor to see all my scans on a big screen and discuss. I’ve never done this. I am a very visual person so Dr Herbert suggested to see x-rays/scans this way. It’s a strange thing to be excited about but I am. Later today, I am participating in a Cancer Foundation reading via zoom. I did a writing workshop in 2020; recently, was asked to read two of my pieces. I am honored to be one amongst a group who will read. This life continues to offer new experiences. Thank you.
Yours Truly, Pamela Rose

Dear Life, Thank you for all the loving support. I feel it. Yesterday during therapy, I had an epiphany: Living in the moment can include some future plans. Life is expanding. The book with my sister can be worked on and completed. My Love Letters can be compiled into a small inspirational reader and published. The collages, drawings, and paintings can continue to be created and catalogued (an artist’s dreaded thing to do). A new experience of love can be experienced. NOW I AM curious about my life.
Yours Truly, Pamela Rose

Dear Life, On a compass, one degree sets you in an entire new direction. So it is in Clinical Trials. One must “meet the protocol” and on Monday, my Neutrophils were not there. “Let’s do another blood test Tuesday morning”. Dr Herbert walked into the exam room with smiling eyes saying, “You’re in!” Less than a degree increase brought me over the mark needed. I cried and began the Clinical Trial yesterday. I’m in the Chemo group, so will be taking low dose chemo orally throughout the two years, one week on, one week off. Next Tuesday, immunotherapy medication infusion and vaccination, which is also on spread out schedule. It’s rigorous however holds hope. My prognosis is so much better. Cancer is receding given all the treatments I’ve had. WE WILL WIN!
Yours Truly, Pamela Rose