Dear Life, Days are turning into weeks in bed. The combination of surgery, cancer treatment, low blood counts, and little appetite have crushed my body. My Spirit knows “I am me” but little else in me identifies with the state I am in. Vitality feels like a distant dream. Here is one of my paintings: a spiritual broom preparing my body for Spring. New bird songs arrive each day.
Yours Truly, Pamela Rose

White Acrylic on Black Canvas

Dear Life, The White Blood Cell injection boosts the ability for bone marrow to produce more blood cells. It also makes the bones achy. My body is working hard to build cells that are good for me and kill cancer cells. It’s an inferno inside of me. I did have a little more energy yesterday; going to Cancer Center, seeing the nurses and a couple of friends later in the day. I stood up during one of the visits so the chemicals would get the message “We are upright and in motion. I am not giving up.” I painted a watercolor for my Soul to see a pink cloud. Hope to be driving into some big landscapes and beautiful skies soon. Blue Angel needs a good washing. The winds are blowing and gave it the “dusty Santa Fe look”.
Yours Truly, Pamela Rose

Watercolor 02.27.2023

Dear Life, This morning I go to cancer center to get a white blood cell booster. My blood counts are critical leaving me in quarantine and bed. All thoughts need to be focused on bumping up my blood, creating stem cells in my immune system and having faith in the process. I appreciate all the food friends dropped off this weekend. I gratefully thank you and ask for your continued prayers and positive vibes.
Yours Truly, Pamela Rose

Collage

Dear Life, I’m in the new Infusion Suite at Nexus Cancer Center. It’s a long day 9-4. My blood counts have tanked in the past week so treatment is being changed. I’ll receive a White Blood Cell booster on Monday. Cutting oral medication dose in half. Infusions continue. I’m amazed at the resiliency of my body as I go through surgery recovery and ongoing treatments. Yesterday, a friend listened lovingly as I cried in frustration.
Today is a new day.
Yours Truly, Pamela Rose

WC 02.23.2023

Dear Life, It is fair to say that 42 years of practicing the principles of sobriety (12 steps), prepares me for cancer: the diagnosis(s), the treatments, the unknowns. I am finding a new life. What makes daily living with cancer tolerable is having faith and hope for a cure as I confront how I can be of some service to others even at my most vulnerable. I can write a “Love Letter to Life” and share it with you, hoping that someone may find something they need. Yesterday, I cancelled the mammogram because I didn’t want to go out in the storm. Plus, the stitches from surgery are still healing. Better to wait and be safe.
Yours Truly, Pamela Rose

This reading came up in my emails today: “Such is the paradox of A.A. regeneration: strength arising out of complete defeat and weakness, the loss of one’s old life as a condition for finding a new one.”— A.A. COMES OF AGE, p. 46

Acrylic paint on Black canvas

Dear Life, “The highest creative expression for a human being is to be able to create something new right in the face of adversity, and the worse the adversity, the greater the opportunity”. Jonah Hill from the movie Stutz. I’ve seen this in recovery. People crushed by addiction, including myself 42 years ago, and out of that adversity, create new lives. I face another adversity, cancer, that I’ve faced each day for over three years, sometimes more creatively than others. Today I’ll be content to shower, dress, clean up kitchen, eat lunch, go for a mammogram, attend 6-7 Zoom meeting, eat dinner in front of the TV…
and don’t get blown off the planet by the cold, ferocious wind!
Yours Truly, Pamela Rose

Acrylic on Black Canvas

Dear Life, Past 10 days, I have experienced a mild post-surgery depression coupled with the side effects of cancer meds that I take daily. Woke today with a clear mind, energy, and a lift in my step. Yesterday, on a phone call, I articulated what was happening in my body and mind, and this set up the “energy field” to move me out of bed and into a few household chores, eat a slice of quiche and watch the Jonah Hill movie, “Stutz” on Netflix. Recommend it. I also recommend reaching out to someone who might be going through a rough patch. We do this thing called “Life” better together.
Yours Truly, Pamela Rose

Acrylic Painting on Paper

Dear Life, On the heels of good news, I went to Whole Foods (first solo outing) and conquered the aisles buying every “treat” I wanted: Chocolate cake, vanilla ice cream, warm cinnamon raisin bread, goat’s cheese to put on figs, sharp cheddar cheese, and fresh salad greens. Then I drove to a pizza place and got a 10 inch topped with tomato and mozzarella. My inner child loved every bite. This morning, my tummy is not loving the aftermath! Worth it.
Yours Truly, Pamela Rose

PS I also thought yesterday, all day, was Friday; Showed up for appts and a 12-step meeting scheduled for Friday! A friend kindly said, Pamela, “Today is Thursday”. Am I safe to be out one week since surgery?

Dear Life, No malignant cancer cells found in uterus except for lymph nodes where we knew lymphoma existed. Bloodwork looks good. Today I resume oral cancer meds and next week infusion. Happy to receive OK to travel mid-May to visit family in CT. The ups and downs, joy and fear, are lived through each day, in every life. What keeps us going? I believe it’s our life force. Faith. Love. A smile. A word of encouragement. Inspiration. Tears. Creativity. Laughter. A cozy blanket. Pizza (I’m craving a slice).
Yours Truly, Pamela Rose

Show Me Life, Acrylic on Paper, timeless