Dear Life, Here is a description of blood cancer disease:

“In general, having a blood cancer means that your bone marrow is not functioning correctly. And when bone marrow doesn’t function correctly, you have something happen to you like anemia. Or you can have low platelets, which means it is possible for you to bleed easily. Or your immune system is not functioning correctly.” Dr Nina Shah, MD

All of this has happened within me plus other symptoms for over three years. The disease plus the rigorous treatments impact my energy, take up time and space, change my life on a regular basis. I am following the Instagram and Facebook Project, The Isolation Journals by Suleika Jaouad, writer, artist, and wife of Jon Baptiste. Also reading her NYT bestseller, Between Two Kingdoms: A Memoir of a Life Interrupted. Suleika was diagnosed with Leukemia at 22 and again at 32. She’s had two Bone Marrow Transplants and is in treatment in NYC. Her journey is an inspiration. Doctors recommended I have another transplant but I chose against it and then offered the Clinical Trail. This is a daily uphill battle. I am grateful for the hope in others.
Yours Truly, Pamela Rose

Dear Life, The past few days I’ve felt like a ghost of myself. Low ebb of energy, little creativity and flatline emotions. Cancer can feel this way sometimes. Add to it the high winds, fire, smoke. Well, it’s a lot. Yesterday I heard this line in a movie: “Grief is a house that blows into the air at the slightest gust”. I am grieving my past life trusting a new one will rise from the ashes. This takes faith that isn’t always in me. Please lend me yours until me and my ghost can build a new life.
Yours Truly, Pamela Rose

Dear Life, On this first day May, after staying in bed all morning, I am not at all sure what my Soul is thinking. Apocalyptic? Hopeful? Exhausted? Emerging? Colorful? Monochromatic? B&W? Any clues are appreciated. I am upright.
Yours Truly, Pamela Rose

Dear Life, There is a New Moon and Solar Eclipse today. I made this collage quite awhile ago and have been waiting to post on a New Moon day. Do I travel on the road away from fires or travel inward on the surface of a canvas where the air is cleaner. When my Iphone Weather App opens up and says SMOKE staying inside is the best choice. Please stay safe.
Yours Truly, Pamela Rose

Dear Life, I have more affirmations: I want to share life with a partner. Right for one another. All In. I need to care for and be cared for by another. To have a domestic life that is loving, lively, spacious enough for others. Simultaneously a large life and intimate. I write this in bed after a day that saw more tiredness than energy. That’s okay. And I write this after watching a cornball romance movie that had a happy ending. That’s okay, too. Reality: Ear plugs in. Nose and eye drops done. Deep hydration cream on dermatology burn spots. Bandaid between upper lip and nose where burn blister formed and popped. Hoodie and cap on head to keep warm.
Smile. I’m the picture of loveliness. A Goddess In Repose. A dream in waiting.
Yours Truly, Pamela Rose

Dear Life, I took a short walk in spite of the smoke. These beauties met me along the way. This is why it is important to keep up daily routines. Walk, meditate, write, collage, paint, stop by a friend’s house to see their garden, go to the nursery to buy a geranium, attend a 12 step meeting. Listen and look around me. These activities help me to be peaceful and know a sense of well-being. Beauty. Nature. Order. Love. Creativity. Life.
Yours Truly, Pamela Rose

Dear Life, Yesterday I was told a chemical in my body is rising indicating that my cells are multiplying rapidly to replace cells that are dying. Hopefully cancer cells are dying and being replaced by healthy cells. The immunotherapy drugs I take can also attack muscle/organs and set off cells to multiply abnormally to replace the missing parts. Pet and CT Scans are on May 12th. We will see what’s happening inside this body. I affirm: Cancer cells are dying and being replaced by healthy cells. Please affirm this with me.
Today’s beauty is another display of paint tubs to make multiple paintings.
Yours Truly, Pamela Rose

Dear Life, Thankful to see blood counts are holding and/or incrementally going up. This is proof that Immunotherapy is working and the decision to stop chemo drug was right. Today I have several appointments: Eye examination this morning. I have frequent ocular migraines, no pain but prism vision. Need a solution. This afternoon, see oncologist and then receive immunotherapy infusion. This evening, celebrate a dear friend’s 44th Sobriety Anniversary. We can celebrate those blood counts, too! Glad I slept well and feel strong.
Yours Truly, Pamela Rose

Dear Life, I moved from NYC to Santa Fe in 1991 for many reasons, one of them being the space where land rolls into vast skies and clouds play. I love this image from yesterday’s road trip through Abiquiu. That one puff cloud. Today begins a week of medical appointments: blood labs, optometrist, oncologist, treatments, dermatologist, therapist. The entire body including my “thinking and feeling” gets thoroughly looked at. It’s a vast landscape, this body and mind, this puff cloud of my life.
Yours Truly, Pamela Rose